THIS
Oh what? How did that happen? Well let me tell you. It happened while I was slicing what can only be known as "North Carolinas' juiciest apple." I eat an apple every day, not because it keeps the doctor away, but because I slather that thing down with peanut butter and raisins, and it's delicious. So I am slicing these apples because I like to make little apple sammies out of them, and BAM. The apple slid right, along with my hand, and I literally sliced directly into my left pointer finger with what should be a knife so sharp, it's illegal. Later on, my husband asked me if it hurt when I did it, and obviously it didn't, because I grabbed my phone and was like "OH SHIT, let me put this ish on Instagram." The 7 numbing shots that I DON'T have pictures of are what made me squirm with pain.
So, I sliced it, and just let my hand run under the water for a bit, and then I tried to stop the bleeding. I wrapped my finger in paper towels, and one after another, it bled through them all. At this point I was freaking out because it was A LOT of blood, and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go to the ER and have them be laugh at me and send me home because it was a baby cut, but I also had ZERO idea where the nearest hospital is.
I decided to go to the ER because it was pretty gnarly. BUT here's the catch. I still am on West Coast military insurance, and I haven't switched over to this side of the country. I called Tricare BEFORE I moved to see if they could switch it over as soon as I arrived to Cherry Point, and they couldn't do that. And until I cut the shit out of my finger, it totally slipped my mind. So I called the Cherry Point Naval Hospital and the wrong asshole answered the phone...I explained that I had just moved to New Bern, and I knew that the base Naval Hospital didn't have an ER and I had cut my finger pretty bad, and didn't know what hospital they send dependents to. He fumbled around for 30 seconds and then finally said, "I've never had this situation before, I'm a little stumped." Are you serious asshole? I was pissed. So finally I said, "Well, where do you send dependents for ER visits?" He fumbled once again and said, "Uh, er, uh emmmmm, Morehead City?" I felt like screaming into the phone, "Are you asking me or telling me?!!" Finally I asked if there was one in New Bern because he obviously wasn't listening to me when I first called explaining how I lived in New Bern, and wouldn't you know there WAS one, MUCH closer. So he gave me the name and phone number of the hosptial, but before I hung up, he said, "Well don't hang up yet, let me give you the information you need to call Tricare and get switched over." (West Coast to East Coast insurance.)
I nearly got in my car and drove to Naval right then and there to beat the shit out of guy with my bloody finger. I just hung up. I didn't care. Who tells someone who is calling about the nearest ER to "stay on the line."
So off to the hospital I went...
Fingaahhh - did I mention I almost ran out of gas on the way to the hospital??
They sent me from the ER to "express care" and I was in and out of there in no time flat. It was an all around great experience! On Camp Pendleton you basically have to fake every illness just to get seen, so this was a happy change.
Tetanus shot, 3 stitches later and PENIS FINGER was created
After the gym today, I took penis finger off. :( Isn't she a beaut. I also cut through a nerve, and can't feel anything underneath my pointer finger. Eventually the nerve will grow back, doc said, but whatever, I burn my pointer finger ALL the time on my iron. It's cool with me if it never comes back. BTW, my stitches are green? They have to stay in for 10 days so it looks like they'll be traveling to Maryland next weekend with us!
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